Rick Perry's BS on BSA: When Did Discrimination, Inequality and Hate Become American Values?

Texas Governor Rick Perry with Boy Scouts and Scout leaders

On February 2, while speaking to hundreds of Boys Scouts gathered in the Texas State House of Representatives as part of the Scout’s annual report to the state, Governor Rick Perry urged the Boy Scouts of America to stick to its policy of banning gays. “Remain loyal to your beliefs,” Perry said. “Without such values, morality becomes an abstract concept.”

In other words: Accepting gays would be immoral and erode the organization’s values?

“Scouting is about teaching a substantial amount of life’s lessons,” Perry said. “Sexuality is not one of them. It never has been and doesn’t need to be . . . to have popular culture impact 100 years of their standards is inappropriate." Perry, an Eagle Scout, also told the Scouts that his own experience in Scouting was a key reason he joined the U.S. Air Force and later sought public office, and that society's failure to adhere to the organization's core values was a cause for high rates of teen pregnancy and wayward youth who grow up to be “men joining their fathers in prison."

Perry’s recent remarks are consistent with his 2008 book "On My Honor: Why the American Values of the Boy Scouts Are Worth Fighting For,” in which he wrote, "Because gay activism is central to their lives, it would unavoidably be a topic of conversation within a Scout troop. This would distract from the mission of Scouting: character building, not sex education.”

Actually, being honest with and accepting oneself, accepting others, embracing diversity and fighting for causes one believes in not only builds good character, but is perfectly consistent with traditional American Values and the mission of Scouting.

Like many, Perry confuses sexuality with sex, and apparently doesn’t think accepting oneself and others should be part of life’s lessons. Considering he is an Eagle Scout, he also shows a surprising lack of knowledge about the values taught and learned in Scouting; as a governor and recent presidential candidate, he shows an alarming disregard for traditional American values. Over the past 100 years or so, the Boys Scouts have certainly been influenced by modern, “popular culture” as can be seen in the creation of Merit Badges such as Automotive Maintenance, Aviation, Cinematography, Computers and Nuclear Science. But I wonder if Rick Perry ever earned his Citizenship in the Community, Citizenship in the Nation, Citizenship in the World, American Cultures or American Heritage Merit Badges? If he did, he apparently forgot the lessons.

I share a few things in common with Rick Perry: Not only am I an Eagle Scout, but my experience in Scouting was a key reason I joined the U.S. Marine Corps and later dedicated my life to important causes I believe in.

Scouting had a huge and positive influence on my life, instilling in me a love for wildlife and wild places and even shaping my chosen life-long career in the wildlife conservation profession. It also instilled in me concepts of service to country and others and notions of honesty and integrity – to a point. Unfortunately I was not comfortable accepting and being all of my true self. I was brought up believing that to be physically and emotionally attracted to the same sex was a sickness and made me an immoral freak. As a result, I tried hard to be something I was not. Because of societal pressures, norms and expectations – which were perpetuated by the Boy Scouts -- I chose to be “straight.” (That didn’t go so well for me, for those of you who think sexuality is a choice).

The negative individual and societal consequences of being fearful to accept, embrace and be oneself, and to not accept differences in others, are serious and run deep. It results in self hatred, self judgment, shame and guilt. It results in bigotry, hatred, bullying and violence. It results in a lack of freedom and equality for all. It results in tragedies like gay teens being far more likely to drop out of school and commit suicide than others.

And it results in influential people like Governor Rick Perry standing in front of hundreds of young men and telling them that people like me are immoral and destroy their values; that acceptance of oneself and others is not part of life; and that discrimination, bigotry, bias, inequality and hate are traditional American values.

How many of those hundreds of Boys Scouts sitting in front of Rick Perry will be negatively influenced by his ignorant words?

When I was growing up, I was taught basic, core American values of inalienable rights, freedom and equality for all. Our nation hasn’t always lived up to the ideals, but such traditional values have continued to evolve and improve in America; I hope people like Rick Perry and organization’s like the Boy Scouts of America can catch up and keep up.

Of course, there always have been gay Boys Scouts and gay Scout leaders, we just had to hide, suppress or deny a huge part of our identity. Out of fear and hate, we lived lives of lies. Dishonesty is not a value I should have learned while earning the rank of Eagle Scout.

Scouting has been slow to catch up to the rest of our society, even the Marine Corps, but I am very glad they seem to finally be headed in the right direction. The good, positive changes finally occurring will result in healthier individuals and a healthier society.

I hope Boy Scouts and their leaders are smart enough to not listen to Governor Rick Perry.  Discrimination, inequality and hate are not American values -- and they're certainly not attitudes or traits a real scout would embrace.

Are We Gays Really Hated and Denied Rights?

I recently had an interesting exchange on Facebook with a guy named Patrick who is a friend of a friend. Following some statements I made related to ongoing efforts to deny and rescind rights for gay Americans, and the bias, bigotry and hate so often and commonly directed towards gays, Patrick asked:

“What rights are gays being denied? Tell me who has denied you any said rights. Let's get to the bottom of this and report him, her or them as needed. Seriously, I'd like to know what rights you've been denied and by whom. And where. . . and when!”

It surprised me a bit, as I had assumed most people are aware of the issues. So I responded:

“If you are not familiar with the bigotry, bias and hatred historically (and still currently) directed towards gays, the implications and negative consequences it has had on individuals and society, and past and ongoing efforts to deny and rescind rights and equality for gay Americans (including marriage equality; work place equality; immigration equality; military service, and many others) I suggest you Google it and learn. I'm not sure where you have been? Better yet, give me a call and I'd be more than happy to fill you in: 510-495-4445. Thanks.”

His response:

“I'm familiar with a lot of things including all the bigotry, bias and hatred committed against the Saxons by the Normans in the 11th, 12th, and 13th centuries. But that's all now passé. And I don't see any of it occurring against gays here in Los Angeles where I live. If it's occurring where you live or personally against you then tell us. It's a simple enough question. No need to deflect answering it by providing an unnecessary history lesson or hinting disparagement against the person who asked it. If injustice is being committed against you, let us know what it is. And let's see what we can do to correct it. Hmm?”

Again, I was surprised. Here is a person fully aware of bigotry, bias and hatred directed toward a group of people 800 to 1,000 years ago, but apparently unaware of the bigotry, bias and hate regularly directed against gays today. I was not attempting to disparage him, nor deflect his question, but was trying to answer the best I could. I felt that since he was -- by his own admission -- unaware of the issues and asking me about it, a hint of historical context might be helpful. But mostly I focused on the denial of rights that still exist today, in our modern supposedly more enlightened times.

The exchange made me realize that we all have different interests, and not everyone is aware of the bigotry, bias and hate directed towards gays, and efforts to deny and rescind rights, equality and freedom for gays in the United States. I appreciate and respect Patrick’s willingness and desire to learn and his generous offer to help and get involved. We can use all the support we can get.

For others of you who may not be aware, here is a summary:

All in all, more than 1,400 basic rights are denied to gay people in the United States on a federal level, and even more in various states, including not being allowed to marry (and denied all the other rights and privileges that go with marriage); not being allowed to adopt; not being allowed immigration or residency rights; not granted the same protections under the law for employment and employer rights; no protection against blatant, open discrimination by national organizations such as the Boy Scouts of America. The current policy platform of the Republican Party, as adopted last year at their convention, clearly and strongly opposes gay marriage and calls for the denial of other rights, freedom and equality to gay Americans. Just recently, members of the Republican Party in the Congress voted to spend $3 million of taxpayer’s money to defend the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), which is an unconstitutional act that denies many Americans like me the same rights, freedom and equality that other Americans enjoy.

When I joined the Marine Corps and served eight years in a special ops unit called Force Recon, I had to lie, as legally I was not allowed to serve in the Marine Corps. I was a top-notch Marine, very highly decorated, and so it wasn’t my lack of skills or knowledge that kept me from being legally allowed to serve, but the fact I am gay. I was denied the same rights, freedoms and equality that other Americans and my fellow Marines were allowed. It was tough. Fortunately, things have since improved in the military (thanks to the leadership of our current President) -- but there is still a long way to go for gay Marines, soldiers, sailors and airmen to receive the same rights, freedom and equality as other service members.

Bigotry, bias and hatred against gays remains prevalent throughout our nation, and is very common among conservative Republicans, particularly in the Tea Party. Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, the Family Research Council, James Dobson, Fred Phelps, the Westboro Baptist Church, many Christians and Christian churches, and numerous other individuals and organizations constantly refer to gays as “abhorrent,” “unnatural,” “abominations,” “freaks,” and put a lot of time, money and effort to deny and rescind rights, freedom and equality for gay Americans like me.

Several years ago, I was stopped for speeding in rural Virginia. After the cop saw work-related gay rights literature on my front seat, he repeatedly called me a “faggot,” arrested me and put me in jail for a night, where other cops repeatedly called me a "faggot" and even hit me and roughed me up a bit. It was frustratingly difficult to bring attention and justice to the incident and during the ensuing case I brought against the cops several locals wrote letters to the editor praising the cops for their actions, happy to see them trying to "keep gays out" of their county. Of course, there’s no doubt many gays live there, but I imagine most of them must live fearful, closeted lives of lies and deceit (as I did for many years) because of the way they are treated and perceived.

The negative individual and societal consequences of people being fearful to accept, embrace and be themselves are serious and run deep. It results in self hatred, self judgment, shame and guilt. It results in bigotry, hatred, bullying and violence. It results in a lack of freedom and equality for all. Just missing out on the fundamental emotional and psychological growth that most people are openly able and even encouraged to experience – such as first crushes, first dates, first relationships, first sexual experiences, first love, first heartbreaks –can and does result in a form of arrested development (something that still effects me and my behavior even today).

We’ve come a long way but have a long way to go: According to the U.S. government, hate crimes rose 13% in 2010, and there is an annual average of 191,000 hate crimes each year with 18% of those committed against gays and lesbians. And since we gays and lesbians make up a small percentage of our population, crimes against us are six times higher than the overall rate. Young people are affected, perhaps more so. Nine out of 10 gay and lesbian teens report being bullied because of their sexual orientation. Gay teens are two to three times more likely to commit suicide than other teens, five times more likely to miss school out of fear, and 28% do, indeed, drop out. Last year an 18-year old Texas man was slain by a classmate for being gay, and a 24-year old Florida lesbian was killed by her girlfriend’s father. Much of this, no doubt, derives from groups that continue to perpetuate lies, misinformation, distortions, bias, bigotry and hate against gays.

My exchange with Patrick made me realize that perhaps we need to do a better job of helping friends, family and others become more aware of the bias, bigotry and hate directed towards gay Americans, and the ongoing efforts to deny rights, freedom and equality for gay Americans. By doing so, we can help create more understanding and support in the fight for equality.

I certainly hope it doesn’t take 800-1,000 years for people to become familiar with issues I had wrongly assumed were common knowledge.

If, like Patrick, you’d like to learn more and get involved, please check out and consider supporting the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) or other gay rights organizations.

Thanks.

 

A Serendipitous, Inspirational Stumble upon Theodore Roosevelt

Downtown Berkeley, California

“I ask of you the straightforward, earnest performance of duty in all the little things that come up day by day in business, in domestic life, in every way, and then when the opportunity comes, if you have thus done your duty in the lesser things, I know you will rise level to the heroic needs.” — Theodore Roosevelt, University of California in Berkeley, May 14, 1903.

Friday morning, on my way to work, I was pleasantly surprised to quite literally stumble upon this engraving on a city sidewalk: “1903 President Teddy Roosevelt Speaks.”

It inspired me to do a little homework: Roosevelt was friends with then UC Berkeley President Benjamin Ide Wheeler and had promised to visit the campus on a whistle-stop speaking tour of western states. After speaking in San Francisco on May 13, Roosevelt crossed the bay to Oakland on a tugboat and, at midday on May 14, 1903, swept into Berkeley on a special train. The San Francisco Chronicle described it this way: “As the President appeared and made his way out under the cloth canopy at the front of the stage, the vast audience rose in a body and sent up mighty cheers which rolled back and resounded through the ravines of the hills.”

The next day Roosevelt met writer and naturalist John Muir in nearby Oakland and they traveled together by train and stagecoach to Yosemite.

Roosevelt with UC Berkeley President
Benjamin Ide Wheeler, 1903

“I spent a delightful three days and two nights with him,” Roosevelt wrote of the trip. “The first night we camped in a grove of giant sequoias. It was clear weather, and we lay in the open, the enormous cinnamon-colored trunks rising about us like the columns of a vaster and more beautiful cathedral than was ever conceived by any human architect. All next day we traveled through the forest. Then a snow-storm came on, and at night we camped on the edge of the Yosemite, under the branches of a magnificent silver fir, and very warm and comfortable we were, and a very good dinner we had before we rolled up in our tarpaulins and blankets for the night. The following day we went down into the Yosemite and through the valley, camping in the bottom among the timber.”

And they talked, and talked, late into the nights.

Prior to their trip, Roosevelt and Muir didn’t always see eye to eye. Muir, a founder of the Sierra Club, valued nature for its spiritual and transcendental qualities and was more of a preservationist. Roosevelt, an avid hunter, pushed for the sustainable use of natural resources and was more of a conservationist. But both men strongly opposed reckless exploitation. So the two set aside their differences, focused on their common love for the wilds and not only became lifelong friends but, together, became an even more potent force for the protection of wildlife and wild places – including, of course, many of the places where I now love to hike, camp, backpack, fish, hunt and explore.

Roosevelt with John Muir, Yosemite, 1903

We can learn a lot from Roosevelt and Muir.

Right after his trip with Muir, before heading back to D.C., Roosevelt stopped and gave a speech in Sacramento urging the citizens of California to do everything in their power to use forests and streams wisely and “preserve the natural wealth.” He ended with this: “We are not building this country for a day. It is to last through the ages.”

And Friday morning, on January 25, 2013, after I serendipitously stumbled upon a Berkeley sidewalk, Roosevelt helped renew my enthusiasm for and dedication to my work – to continue doing my small part to help protect and advance this great American conservation legacy.

We can sometimes find inspiration at unexpected times in surprising places.

The NRA Doesn't Kill People (But They Sure Do Their Part!)

In the aftermath of the horror in Connecticut, discussions, debates and arguments about gun control are rightfully rampant.

On a recent Facebook post I participated in, “gun rights” folks were going head to head with folks advocating for more restrictions on guns. One guy, who was defending the NRA, suggested that people who think guns are dangerous should therefore also think spoons are dangerous, because some people use them to overeat, gain too much weight and suffer health consequences. Some even die from it. Do we blame the spoon? (Spoons don’t kill people, people kill people!)

The same guy, in defense of his apparent right to own any kind of weapons of mass destruction he so chooses, also proudly mentioned what he would do if an intruder broke into his house:  

“I'll be splattering pieces of that motherfuckers brains and body on my walls and floor with about 8 rounds of 00 buck...might even break out the AR and put 30 extra rounds in him just for making me hafta clean up the mess.”

Let’s be clear: Those 8 rounds of 00 buck and the 30 extra rounds from his AR wouldn’t actually kill the intruder, he would be killing the intruder. He just happened to choose those weapons instead of a spoon.

His response to someone who disagreed? “You’re an asshole!”

I keep reading and hearing the tiresome old NRA cliché: "Guns don't kill people, people kill people!" Which is inevitably followed by arguments of how dangerous baseball bats, cigarettes, knives and even spoons can be, yet no one is calling on banning them. But when was the last time a sick and twisted person walked into a school or a movie theatre and was able to quickly kill a lot of people with a baseball bat, cigarettes, a knife or a spoon? Even if they tried, could they kill a lot of people quickly with such weapons? I doubt it: it takes a semi-automatic or automatic weapon to pull such a tragedy off.

I hope I never lose the right to keep the rifles and shotguns I use for hunting. I keep them locked in a secure safe at all times, unloaded (and separate from the bullets and shells) where only I can get access to them. There was a time I supported the NRA, back when they focused more on teaching people how to properly and safely use and store rifles and shotguns, and worked in a bipartisan manner to protect sensible gun rights – long before they became a radical, uncompromising, irrational, extreme right-wing arm of the GOP.

I became pretty confident, capable and proficient with some powerful and dangerous weapons while serving in a Marine Corps Force Recon unit. They are tools of war. I think it’s ridiculous to think citizens should have a right to have such weapons in their possession. Perhaps it’s not the “weapons” that kill people, but I assure you from my experience you can fire a lot more rounds more quickly, and kill a lot more people a more quickly, with a 7.62 mm M60 machine gun than, say, my 7mm-08 bolt action hunting rifle. That is why Marines and soldiers are issued and trained to use more proficient tools of the trade. And why nobody walks into a school or movie theatre and kills a whole bunch of people with baseball bats, cigarettes or knives.

After everyone within a five meter radius of a detinated M67 fragmentation grenade is killed, I’ve never heard anyone say: “Grenades don’t kill people, people kill people.”  People do indeed pull the pins and release the handles (actually known as “spoons”), but they certainly wouldn’t have the same results if they threw silverware, knives or cigarettes at people.

After such a horrifying tradgedy in Connecticut, it's not only appropriate that the people of our nation collectively have more honest, open discussions and debates about guns, and gun-related laws and regulations -- it's essential that we do! It makes perfect sense to try and grasp and make sense of such a incident; to examine what happened and how such things might be prevented from happening again and again and again.

Incidences like what happened in Connecticut exceed and overwhelm the ability of my heart, mind and emotions to even comprehend.

There are no simple answers; it’s a pretty confusing, complex problem that I don’t think any of us can or will ever fully understand. Gun restrictions and mental health care are part of it, but certainly not all of it – and the problems aren't unique to just the U.S. Sure, it seems to happen more often in our country, but just last year a sick and twisted man went to a youth camp on an island in Norway and killed 77 people in a country with fairly strict gun regulations and good mental health care.

Should people really be able to own any kind of weapon they want? Is there really any justifiable reason for a citizen to own an automatic weapon? Should parents and others who leave weapons lying around, unsecured (making them easier for people to steal, or for kids to find, take and play with) be held accountable for their actions? Will putting money into mental health care programs serve to effectively identify potential psychos and prevent tragedies from happening? Does living in a society where a majority of people, from a very young age, are exposed to brutal and glorified versions of death and violence on television, in movies and on video games contribute to the problems? Does living in a society that, in general, finds it acceptable for kids to watch people shooting each other on screen but is offended by exposing kids to notions of love between two people contribute to the problems?

I don’t know. I don’t think anyone knows. But I think they are good, legitimate questions and I don’t think anyone is an asshole for discussing and debating such questions.

On the other hand, making a bullshit, macho statement glorifying violence (even, perhaps, justifiable violence) by stating something like: “I'll be splattering pieces of that motherfuckers brains and body on my walls and floor with about 8 rounds of 00 buck..might even break out the AR and put 30 extra rounds in him just for making me hafta clean up the mess.” . . . well, THAT is something a real asshole would say -- and someone who has obviously had the good fortune of never really having to face or experience the crazy, intense, chaotic, confusing, terrible emotions of being directly involved in actual violent gun shootings. Shooting another human being, even one who is a thief breaking into your home, is not very macho, glorious or fun.

Maybe such an NRA-driven macho mentality that seems so prevalent in our society is part of the problem. The NRA doesn’t kill people, but they sure do contribute to the problems.

We live in a society that glorifies violence; we live in a society where weapons are easy to obtain; we live in a society where some people think we should all be able to own any type of weapons we want; we live in a society not very understanding or supportive of mental health issues and programs; we live in a society where violence is considered good, legitimate entertainment but love between some people is considered disgusting, immoral and sinful, and we live in a society where far too often people walk into movie theatres, offices, fast-food restaurants and schools and randomly kill innocent people.

It really makes no fucking sense. I hope we figure it out.

Are You Straight-Acting?

When I first came out of the closet, I would sometimes say things like: "I am gay, but I played football and I was a Marine!" -- as if that would make things more acceptable and make me feel more manly. In other words, I was a "straight-acting gay."  Now I realize how sadly silly such a statement is, and obviously based on deep insecurities and ridiculous stereotypes. But such internalized homophobia is a common ailment among we gays brought up in a heterosexually-dominated society full of absurd myths and misconceptions about "masculinity" and "manhood."

In fact, I think "straight-acting" straights are just as insecure as "straight-acting" gays and, for that matter, "gay-acting" gays -- "acting" being the key word here.

What the hell is "straight-acting?" I suppose, since I spent much of my life in various insecure stages of denial, suppression, hiding, self-judgment and self hatred -- and acting out the stereotypes, myths and misconceptions of being "straight" -- I was at one time indeed "straight-acting." Personally, I believe my performance was worthy of an Oscar.

Now, when I see gay men state that they are "straight-acting" on places like the "men seeking men" (m4m) posts on Craigslist, or on ManHunt, I sometimes write them and ask: "If you were 'straight-acting' wouldn't you be posting in the 'men seeking woman' (m4w) section or on WomanHunt?" When people tell me, or ask me if I am "straight-acting" I generally respond: "I am emotionally and physically attracted to men. I fall in love with men. I have sex with men. That seems pretty 'gay-acting' to me."

I was recently chatting with a young guy online (I know, big shocker to those of you who know me, right?) and I told him about a date I was going on with an intelligent, cute, fun guy. He asked me if my date was a "straight-acting" guy or "effeminate." Considering that the guy was going on a romantic date with me, who also happens to be a guy, with the potential for it to lead to a possible relationship and sex, it seemed like a strange question. I explained to my young online friend why I think asking if a gay man is "straight-acting" seems strange and funny, to which he responded, "But what else would you call it?"

Good question. What would, or should, we call it? Perhaps we don't have to call it anything -- perhaps we could just accept that we humans come in a wonderfully interesting and diverse array of personalities, traits, behaviors and ways in which we innately desire and crave to experience and express love and sex. I know plenty of gay guys who are strong athletes and I know plenty of straight guys who are pretty good at interior decorating. Some may say they are "straight-acting" gays and "gay-acting" straights -- but the thing is, they're not acting!

It's time to drop the stereotypes, drop the labels, drop the myths and misconceptions of manhood, and start embracing and accepting people, all people, for who and what we are -- starting with and including (and perhaps most importantly) ourselves!

I'm done acting straight, and I'm done acting gay -- I just want to be me, a goofy guy who happens to be emotionally and physically attracted to men. Yes, I know, sounds pretty gay, hey? And indeed it is!

Poor, Poor Papa John: (Are Americans Insane?)

Papa John's: Better Ingredients. Better Pizza. Better not get sick.

Back in August, Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter (a huge supporter of and contributor to Mitt Romney’s campaign) told shareholders that his “business model and unit economics are about as ideal as you can get for a food company to absorb Obamacare.”

Now, after the election, he says Obamacare (once known as Romneycare) is going to cost his company $5-$8 million a year and that he is going to have to raise prices by 11-14 cents per pie, lay off some workers and cut back on worker hours so he doesn’t have to pay them healthcare. (Caleb Melby of Forbes says he ran the numbers and claims an increase of only 3.4 to 4.6 cents per pie would cover the costs of Obamacare.)

So if he’s going to lay off workers and reduce employee hours so he doesn’t have to pay healthcare costs, then why does he still have to raise prices? Regardless, despite his claims, Schnatter has decided to give away two million free Pizzas  during the NFL season at a cost of $24-$32 million. As a result, some people have called for a boycott of Papa John's.

In the meantime, other Pizza restaurants – much smaller businesses all over the nation (such as Ian's Pizza in Wisconsin) are doing just fine while happily taking care of their employees and ensuring they have healthcare.

Schnatter (who has a net worth of $600 million and goes home every night to a 40,000 square foot mansion that has several swimming pools, a private golf course and a 22-car garage) is using many of the same doomsday lies about Obamacare that CEO’s used when complaining about the implementation of child labor laws, allowing blacks and women in the workforce, creating 8-hour workdays and the creation of Social Security. (Check out: "Eight Insane Arguments Business Owners Used to Oppose Basic Human rights, Social Safety Net")

And now people opposed to Obamacare, led by a conservative group called Rebooting America, are organizing a “Papa John’s Appreciation Day” to support poor Mr. Schnatter's nonsensical decisions to deal with Obamacare by laying off employees and cutting employees hours so he doesn't have to pay healthcare, raising prices higher than he needs to to cover the healthcare he doesn't plan on paying, giving away two million free pizzas and helping ensure Schnatter can hang onto his 40,000 square foot mansion with several swimming pools, a private golf course and a 22-car garage even though last August he told his shareholders his business was in an ideal place for absorbing the costs of Obamacare? 

I have a hunch most of the folks supporting Papa John's don't make much money and likely don't have healthcare. 

Are most conservative Americans insane?

I think I’m going to head to Rotten City Pizza in Emeryville, near Berkeley – It’s some of the best pizza I’ve ever had at a reasonable price and they take good care of their employees. And yes, I asked: They do provide health care!

God Bless America!

Letting Go: A Letter to the Ex

November 14, 2012

Erik,

I never thought I would say this, but I want to thank you for cutting me out of your life for good and finally putting an end to the insanely tumultuous years we spent together. I still think about you way too often, and sometimes I drive myself crazy attempting to understand and figure out just what our relationship was about, and if it had any meaning or purpose at all. I need to let it all go; I’m working on it.

Although we certainly had some nice, good times together, mostly all I remember is drinking, doing drugs, fighting and fucking. Mostly fighting.

My life has greatly improved without you, and I sincerely hope yours has improved as well. As I’ve often told you: I do think you are a strikingly handsome guy, and unusually intelligent in many regards; those are the traits that initially drew me towards you and kept me with you for so long.  You have an amazing side to you, a lot of good qualities and you have a lot of potential if you don’t throw it all away on drugs, alcohol, self-hate and anger. I hope you someday face and deal with your demons; I’m currently facing and dealing with mine. 

I’m not blaming you for everything. I certainly played a role in all of our misery and fights and we often reacted to each other in ways that accelerated our anger, sadness and unhappiness until it spun out of control. We hurt each other a lot. Simply put: We obviously were not good for each other. Part of me wants to just accept that, move on and wish you well.  Unfortunately, I have difficulty with that because a large part of me remains bitter and angry at the way you treated me, my son and my friends.

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, you have a brutally cold, cruel, vicious side to you.  You constantly picked at me in the places I had the most shame and guilt in my life and I allowed you to make me feel like the “murderer,” "killer," “liar,” “useless piece of shit” “pathetic loser” you accused me of being.  I now understand that such abusive attacks deeply took hold within me because I had my own, similar self-judgments and shame and believed you were right. You fed those self-doubts and self-judgments and helped them grow to a point where I began truly hating myself, yet I stuck with you because you also comforted me at times and I believed I loved you (and believed you loved me).  I think now that we were just addicted to each other, and both of us are addicted to alcohol, drugs and intensity – It obviously made for a pretty dangerous, potent, volatile mix.

  

I think I can eventually forgive you for what you did to me, since I allowed you to do it; but I am not sure I can ever forgive you for how impatient and cruel you often were to my son -- a wonderful, beautiful young child with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. I fear I will always maintain some guilt, shame and self-judgment for having let you talk to and treat my son the way you did. He would sometimes cry and beg me to leave you and stay away from you. He’s a smart boy, and I should have listened to him. But I don’t need to forgive you; I need to forgive myself.  Fortunately, Cory has forgiven me.   

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and do it all differently. You had no right to judge me. The first time you talked to and treated my son the way you often did I should have thrown you out of my house and out of my life forever. The first time you talked to and treated me the way you often did I should have thrown you out of my house and out of my life forever. Ah, see . . . more guilt, shame and regrets. . . regrets upon regrets -- that’s the unfortunate impact I let you have on me. 

A friend once told me to never regret having tried to love someone; but I regret you. 

As you well know, when we met I was still struggling with an identity crisis, still coming to terms with coming out and being gay, and trying to figure out just who I really was. I was still in a place where I had too much guilt, shame, sorrow and regrets from my past. I was vulnerable to your verbal abuse and cruelty. At some level, I think you knew that and enjoyed the power you had over me. Perhaps it’s something I needed to experience to grow into a better person – like a wildfire that seems devastating at the time but makes a forest healthier in the long run. Who knows? I obviously still think about it entirely too much.

I’m not sure why I am writing you all this. I know you well enough to know that you will dismiss everything I have written, and likely berate me for what I have written -- if you even bother to read it at all.  I guess a part of me wants you to know how your cruelty affected me and others in the small hope you will examine yourself, get help and become a better person.  And why do I even give a shit? I don’t know. I am not sure. I guess a part of me still cares about you and hopes you will turn out okay and achieve your dreams and contribute something useful to the world.  I wish I could just forget about you entirely and delete you from my memory.

I’m working on it.

Dave